what is the reason behind laundry machines not accepting 5p or 1p coins?!?!
My babo is now reading this blog.
What should I do what should I do what should I dooooooo
people suck balls.
Here it goes once again, an entry written in the dark of the night while everyone sleeps. I am lying on my bed, typing with my thumbs while the backlight ignites my face in a ghostly glow.
The subject of this entry is something I realized not too long ago, when someone asked what my family thought when my face looked so sad. My answer: nothing.
When I wake up extremely late, it is usually because I feel sad and depressed. Today I woke up at four in the afternoon. No one asked me about it. All my parents said was,”what were you doing last night? Becoming a thief?”
Even when I am mad and express my anger, they never ask,”what’s wrong?” instead, they say,”don’t be angry at me. I didn’t do anything wrong, stop it.”
Sigh…
…and of course mom says its dinnertime right when i got into the mood of writing. Ugh.
This is a draft for you, my dear, my blog, my storage of thoughts.
Even though I hardly write in you, you do hold a special place in my heart.
After all, you are one of the most tangible means of measuring myself out.
Michael told me to write an email for him today, to explain myself throughly to him, because he doesn’t quite understand me.
Of course that is true.
Human beings are but another mystery in this vast universe, and I am but a speck in that swirling mass of chaos.
Chaotic, but achingly beautiful so…
Ugh. Anyways, on to this draft.
Someone once told me to be true to myself and tell them what was truly in my heart and mind. For me, that is extremely difficult. I am used to hiding feelings and thoughts, underneath layers of premises and walls, so much that at times I can believe that they are true. They always ask me: “Why is it so difficult to tell the truth? Why do you always say I don’t know?”
Why. Why. Why.
Is so surprising that I sometimes don’t have an opinion on things? That I can’t tell you what I like?
All my life I’ve been taught to agree with others, to avoid conflict, to be humble and think nothing of myself, and most of all- to hide everything inside.
My parents don’t love me. They love the 16 year me that they have enamoured themselves with, and refuse to see who I am now. Time passes, and people change. It is inevitable that during the teenage years someone will change drastically, but I believe that the essential core of a person does not. My mom has said that “I’ve become someone that she does not know” since my sophmore year in college.
Is that true?
Well I know some facts-
1. This year I did not go home much
2. I talk less to my mom
3. I have become more withdrawn
First of all, when did I like coming home? There is nothing here. Dad is at work all day. Mom cleans and cooks. Brother lazes around. There is little table talk, and sometimes I feel like there a lack of tangible love in the family. If I do something good, I am not awarded privliges. In fact, I get them taken away.
Mom always tells me that I cannot compare myself to my brother, since we are two different people, yet I am positive that she does. She has stated that she and my brother do not get along and argue, that he can’t help her with anything and doesn’t listen to her. He doesn’t care about schoolwork, and spends too much time on games. So, she “gave up on him,” which basically means she holds absolutely no expectations for him.
So all her expectations are on me.
I help her with billing and credit card issues by calling the company. When the Internet goes haywire, it is I who call because “it does not matter” to my brother and “if it’s bothering you so much, why don’t you call? I won’t.” Well, when the Internet disconnects every 5 minutes 15 times every night, doesn’t that warrant a call?
I do everything. Heck, I used to write checks for my parents. I know their socials, I know all the account information.
My brother can’t even remember my parents birthdays. Or my dad’s cell phone. At one point he didn’t even know our home address.
I’ve asked my mom why she doesn’t let my brother to do stuff. She says she trusts me, and my brother is bad at it anyway. Well, I reason that with practice, one gets better, right? I’ve only been doing it for 8 years because he never gets asked to do it.
I’m probably being ungrateful, but this is what I think.
What really ticked me off last week was how my mom treated my brother when he “broke the rules.” He had pissed off my mom, so she cut off Internet for him by removing his Ethernet cord. Then she forbid him from using Internet. Then- lo and behold, not a half day later- he was using Internet without her knowledge by using a spare usb cord. When she found out 2 days later, she merely asked, “Where did you find the cord?” and said nothing more. She didn’t even get angry! I don’t understand why- because for me I’m sure she would have.
I am almost 20 and have a curfew of 9 pm and a bedtime at 12am. Even 15 minutes past the allotted time is unacceptable. They actally check if I’m asleep at 12.20. My parents love it when I go to sleep at 9.30 pm- I can hear the happiness in their voices when they exclaim,”Oh! She’s asleep already!” Unfortunately, I only do that when I am depressed and sad. Whopee.
I get 12 hours of sleep in the summer. There is no point in waking up because there is nothing to do.
Anyway, the point of this long winded post was to list what I want to do right now
I want to…
Grab a knife and stab a pillow. Repeatedly. One, I really want to know the inside of a pillow looks like (what makes it so soft and comfy???) Two, I’m angry.
Carve curse words into my bedroom wall. They are bars anyways.
Sneak out.
Oh, I am such a flawed bad girl.
1. What time did you get up this morning?
- 11:30am
2. How do you like your steak?
- Medium rare
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
- Angels and Demons (2nd time)
4. What is your favorite TV show?
- Dollhouse
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
- Doesn’t matter.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
- Nothing.
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
- Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike?
- Spicy
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
- Home
10. Favorite dressing?
- Ranch
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
- Honda 09 Civic LX
12. What are your favorite clothes?
- Doesn’t matter
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
- Japan
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
- Full
15. Where would you want to retire?
- With my babo
16. Favorite time of day?
- Night
17. Where were you born?
- LA
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
- Swimming
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
- N/A
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
- N/A
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
- N/A
22. Bird watcher?
- Kinda. They are amusing
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
- Night
24. Do you have any pets?
- Fish
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
- Boyfriend
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
- Archeologist
27. What is your best childhood memory?
- Dont have bad ones
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
- Dog
29. Are you married?
- YES
30. Always wear your seat belt?
- Yeah
32. Any pet peeves?
- too many to list…
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
- Supreme at Pizza Hut
34. Favorite Flower?
- Um
35. Favorite ice cream?
- Pineapple Coconut
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
- o.o
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
- 0
38. From whom did you get your last email?
- From an actual person? Vanessa, otherwise its Costco
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
- none
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
- Sex o.o
41. Like your job?
- Don’t have one
42. Broccoli?
- Only when cooked properly…
43. What was your favorite vacation?
- Hawaii
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
- Antonia/Jing Na
45. What are you listening to right now?
- Goin’ back to Hogwarts – AVPM
46. What is your favorite color?
- bluegreen
47. How many tattoos do you have?
- 0
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
- 0
49. What time did you finish this quiz
- 1.49pm
50. Coffee Drinker?
- no
“We are the painters of unseen images,
The singers of unheard songs,
The caretakers of the lost,
We are which you choose to ignore.”
